so to add insult to injury, i will be moving in about a month. awesome. as if things couldnt get any worse i will have to pack up my life here and move down the shore. perhaps i will make new friends and have a better time. but right now all i  want is the friends i have here and more time to do whatever i can with ryan. blah. this blows..wow its going to be a real long trip to msg. i dont care, im going to as many ranger games as my bank account can afford. things right now are pretty tough and it just seems like everyday is a new struggle. i wish i had sometime to catch up. next semester i was able to get fridays off so that should really help in my new commute. the only okay thing that has happened to me in over a month.

How long have I had this journal. This thing that has caused me so many problems in life..how many years? The same amount of years I have been with Ryan. This journal never fit any real norm. I never used it to describe how i was really feeling, in fear that someone else would read it and get mad at me. So it goes on and on, the journal...and for months I had updated it religiously with stupid facts and diminshed feelings that could never hold a candle to how it really was. how I really felt. 

So here I am. How many years later with this journal, as pathetic as it is, it is still here. But it seems that my relationship with Ryan is now disappearing. Last night he told me I don't make him happy anymore. He wants space. Fine...space is ok, this is all going to work out isn't it? But i am not sure if i can ever give him enough space to be happy and want me back. We live about 8 blocks away, we work at the same place, we even take the same classes. No, I can never provide enough space. Maybe he doesnt want the responsiblity of a girlfriend anymore. Okay...so no more goodnight phone calls, no more informing me of where he might be. hmm...that is all i can think of in terms of the responsibilities he has towards me. I keep him from nothing.

So here I am. Not in control...not even with a back up plan. Alone. I cant remember what its like to be alone. Last time i was alone I was wearing a school uniform and fake nails.15 years old, now im 20.  Too long for me to remember, too long for me to even want to. It hurts that I had no idea it was going to happen, and now im left with the biggest problem I have yet to face. My life , my familiy, my home, its all falling apart around me, and now with this new blow im not sure if i can stand. When you are losing everything...what are you left with?  Maybe i shouldnt have put all of my eggs in one basket, thats what my mom says. Maybe this will be a short thing, thats what my friend says. Maybe this is the end, thats what i fear.

So it is summer. 3 months of lonlieness awaits me. An empty feeling, but this will perhaps be the easiest. What am I going to do when school starts and i have to see him everyday? Change my courses? Find a new way to drive there? No, I cant do that. Out of the whole perdicament, one thing keeps popping into my head. The love I now have for hockey, he introduced me to it. I have the jerseys...I wear them proudly. I will never stop, but it will be a sad sight to see me at a ranger game, alone.  I cant give them up. They never abandoned me, why should I leave them?  What a silly thing to worry about at a moment like this.

Maybe its the silly things that keep us going.



please god let this pass.